Surviving the Holidays in a Stepfamily
Written by Diane Dennis for Portland Family Magazine

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The Stepfamily Association of America, a national nonprofit providing information and guidance to families with children from current and previous relationships, says ixnay the term "blended families." Why? Because, they say, stepfamilies do not blend or fold gently. In fact, two families really don’t become one; they become two families combined.

Whatever you call it, the sheer number of families comprised of children from more than one set of parents is so great today, it might be called the New Normal.

During the holidays, however, the stepfamily can seem anything but normal. Especially when first coming together, parents and stepparents face countless challenges on various levels as they do what they do while contending with the different rules, traditions, histories and expectations of the kids of each family.

Following are simple tips on navigating the holidays.

Going in, it’s important to recognize that stepfamilies are created through loss. Be it divorce, death of a parent or other circumstances, all the members in a stepfamily have experienced profound endings. Both adults and children have or are grieving these losses, each in their own way and in their own time. Kids cling to pre-existing rituals and traditions as they provide a sense of security and safety.

But two families coming together often have completely different styles of celebrating the holidays. Janice Gratton LPC, Licensed Clinical Supervisor for Samaritan Counseling Centers, advises stepparents to "be proactive about predicting that the holidays will be difficult and choose a counselor who can help plan for a positive experience." Gratton reminds us that the primary role of families is to grow healthy children.

TIP: Involve the kids in making new holiday traditions. Allow them to keep rituals that speak to their hearts. Let them express sorrow and joy for past holidays. Listen without judgment.

Children are members of two households, and this can lead to confusion about where they really belong. Children can adjust to two households and two different sets of rules as long as parents don’t pressure them into choosing who or what household is better. Experts agree that pressuring kids to take sides is detrimental to healthy growth and development.

TIP: Make sure that children have access to their non-resident parent and grandparents. Don’t make plans that would make it impossible for the kids to see their other parent. Make a parenting plan for the holidays that is inclusive instead of ex-clusive.

The parent-child relationship has a longer history than the new couple’s relationship. In the relationship with your new spouse, you may feel left out when you see the special bond he/she has with their kids. They have histories rich with inside jokes and loving memories, many of which are captured on video and photo albums. Jealousy is normal. However, it is important to keep this emotion in check and to not try to tear down or sabotage their intimacy.

TIP: Sometimes parents and stepparents make the mistake of expecting instant intimacy or affection from a child. Kids feel this as a betrayal to their biological parents, and are not quick to jump into a relationship with a new adult in the role of parent. Going slow is key. Allow your stepkids alone time with their bio parents.

Extended family members often have an agenda. Grandparents, aunts and uncles come out of the woodwork during the holidays, all vying for time with the kids. It’s essential to set clear boundaries with all extended family members, explaining clearly your new family’s holiday rituals and traditions. This can get touchy if there are relatives who are not thrilled with your new union and are allied with your former spouse.

TIP: Have a clear plan with your spouse and communicate it to all extended family members consistently and concisely. Create a loving and safe circle around your family.

The stepfamily is a very fragile union. Statistics show that divorce in stepfamilies occurs 10 percent more frequently than in first marriages. Protect the integrity of your union.

Toy giving and equality

You may find that your new stepson Johnnie finds high-tech expensive gadgets under the tree while your daughter Janie is perfectly happy with a new set of jammies and slippers. It’s natural for kids to compare. The solution doesn’t come easy, and age differences make it more complicated. If Johnnie and Janie are 10 to 15 years apart in age, the spending on gifts will be different. The reality is that most likely the financial picture has also changed, for better or worse. Have an adult discussion about expectations, then include the kids in the discussion when you are both on the same page.

TIP: Communicate with the ex about what each will be buying the child or children. Chances are kids in stepfamilies will be cashing in as there are more resources for receiving gifts. Make sure you don’t try to one-up the other parent in the gift-giving department. Focus on the meaning of the holiday instead of the dollars.

For more information, visit www.saafamilies.org.

Diane Dennis is a freelance writer, advocate for families and children, and Portland mom. Contact her at dianeden@centurytel.net or www.dianedennismedia.com.

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