When You’re Sure It’s Over:
The Nuts and Bolts of Divorce
Written by Diane Dennis for Portland Family Magazine

Standing at the alter, the last thing in a blushing bride and hopeful groom’s giddy noggin is that the wedded bliss might end. Marriage is full of trust and a deep belief in the strength of the partnership. Tying the knot and exchanging wedding bands are symbols of eternity — this will last forever. The only hint of a caveat is reserved for those who sign a pre-nup, and usually that is reserved for the very rich and famous, or those who have married and divorced enough times that their faith in the institution is shaky.

Divorce falls into the category of one of life’s most painful events. The circumstances leading up to the split don’t follow a clean line. There isn’t a common pattern to the unraveling of a marriage, although there are predictors. Many feel blindsided and completely unprepared.

While the phenomenon is common, many are not prepared for the harsh impact of divorce until knee-deep in the chaos. Navigating the legal waters can be murky and filled with sneaker waves. To make it more complicated, friends and relatives come out of the woodwork with advice. Suddenly you’re bombarded with horror stories from those who have gone experienced the abyss of divorce — armchair experts offering countless divorce-isms.

Rich, poor, religious or atheist, divorce is an equal opportunity occurrence, claiming 55 percent of Oregon marriages. According to Gevurtz, Menashe, PC, a local law firm specializing in all areas of family law, Oregon is third in the nation for divorce rate. Add to that the fact that second marriages involving children have a 75 percent failure rate and you have a large slice of the population pie that will eventually see their marriage end in divorce.

Albert Menashe and Julia M. Hagan, partners at the firm of Gevurtz, Menashe offer the following advice and guidelines when facing divorce.

Can this marriage be saved?

When in doubt, seek counseling. Most people don’t seek attorneys unless they know divorce is eminent. If a person is waffling however, a good attorney will recommend counseling.

Separation vs divorce

If you are considering a legal separation, it’s important to know that the costs and results are about the same as divorce. In certain religions that don’t allow divorce, a legal separation can be an effective way to facilitate a split. In cases involving a health issue, a legal separation could ensure that the ill spouse may remain on the other’s insurance policy. For older folks who believe they will never marry again, a legal separation may make sense.

Use caution in informally separating if you have real property, assets or children. These three issues call for legal advice.

Court and mediation

Depending on the issues, mediation — conducted by an attorney or social service professional whose job is to serve the best interest of both parties — can help bring agreement on unresolved problems, including those involving children. If the stakes are high and the conflict thorny, a mediator can diffuse the polarization between both partners and their lawyers. There are multiple factors to be considered in setting child and spousal support. If the main issue is money or children, it is critical to seek legal advice.

Property division is based on “fair and equitable standard” and does take into account certain presumptions such as the contribution of a stay-at-home mom. An attorney will assist in determining your valuable contribution which can affect your future financial security.

The majority of divorces don’t end up before a judge. In the event a couple can’t settle and the case does go to court, there is more risk that you will not be as pleased with the outcome and the costs will be significantly higher.

Do-it-yourself or get counsel

There are self help forms for filing and getting a divorce in most county court houses. Forms can also be found in stores like Stevens-Ness. If you don’t have the following considerations, handling the dissolution yourself may be doable.

• Children
• Real property
• A business
• Need for spousal support
• Retirement assets

Custody and stepchildren

There is a presumption that the legal parent will retain custody of the children. It is very difficult for a third party to overcome this, and proving a non-biological parent should be granted custody can be extremely difficult and costly.

If the issue goes to court, someone will lose. It is recommended that the two parties work together to create a parenting plan to serve the best interest of the child. A simple split can be accomplished if the marriage doesn’t involve children, money, assets or a co-owned business. Most marriages, however, include at least one such attribute, and legal advice is prudent in order to resolve problems and give both partners a shot at a fair outcome.

The emotional impact of divorce does not end with the signing of the order of dissolution. While the divorce process may be over in nine months, it can take years to unravel the emotional impact on the spouses and the kids. Following are resources and reading recommendations from the partners at the firm of Gevurtz, Menashe:

• Why Marriages Succeed or Fail by John Gottman
• Your Divorce Advisor by Marsha Kline Pruett PhD and Diana Mercer JD
• Healing Hearts by Elizabeth Hickey MSW and Elizabeth Dulton JD
• The Good Divorce by Connie Ahros PhD
• Crazy Time-Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life by Abigail Trafford-First

Diane Dennis is an advocate for families and children. Visit her Web site at www.dianedennismedia.com, or email her at
dianeden@centurytel.net. Her newsletter is available by request.

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